Zombie On Welfare
I called this meeting of the Zombie Center For Dead Rights because I have something very important to talk to you all about. First, let me apologize for the brain hors d’Oeuvers. I know they were very bitter. Since this is Washington DC, too many politicians got into the mix. I never thought I would be applying for welfare or social security, Medicare or anything else. I mean why does a zombie need those things? We can not die and we don’t really have health issues that anyone can help us with. I changed my mind last week, though, and I applied for a few things. I wanted to tell you all why. Let’s start with health care. Since getting things over the internet is easy and fraud in the health care industry is so rampant, I discovered I could get many things that are useful even to a zombie. For instance, skin moisturizer makes a great tenderizer for those tough-skinned feminists. I know you all love those young millennial brains, but you might want to think about the extreme myopic vision of their world that is centered only around what they can say in 140 characters or less. We are all losing our ability to talk well as it is. I have discovered, however, that although Viagra is worthless, a good dose of testosterone will make you desire some nice juicy women and avoid those judgmental stares from the “Why do you eat so many men” homophobes. Now, let’s talk about welfare. Last week I was just dragging my ass down West 4th street trying to find a nice Asian meal when I was hit by a motorcycle cop. Being very hungry I just attempted to take a bite from his head but forgot about the helmet. Damn, that was annoying. Broke two of the remaining six teeth I had. So I thought about it, and after some research I discovered that I could purchase a nice car, again on line, with welfare subsidies. I just had to figure out the right combination of entitled individuals. So now I am an African American, illegal immigrant with numerous disabilities caused by my neighbor’s white privilege and Republican hatred. When I filed the application, I also got a notice that I was eligible for single parents with dependent children aid and housing subsidies. So now I live in a nice house paid for by tax payers that I often take to lunch or should I say for lunch, get seven hundred and eighty five dollars a month, and I use that to pay for electricity, water, and I even bought a nice stun gun so I can go to protests, fit right in, stun someone and drag them off for dinner. It’s wonderful how accommodating protestors can be. Well, I am expecting an Amazon shipment, so I have to go. I ordered my costume for Halloween. I was originally going as either Bernie Sanders or John McCain, but I figured it was insensitive since both will be zombies very soon, so I ordered a Susan Sarandon mask. I mean she is sort of a witch. Well, I got to run or maybe just limp.